Author: youngandcaring

For most of my life, my future (and my thoughts of it) has appeared to be a jumbled mess. Throughout high school and college, I never took my future seriously because I never imagined that I would have one. Not in a morbid sense, but more in the sense that it was way too hard for me to conjure up anything beyond staying at home and taking care of my mom, having the same banal part-time job as always, just getting by. You know that feeling. The one where you quite literally cannot see past the point in your life you’re at because it seems so impossible.

Slowly over the past year, I have gone through so many physical, mental, and emotional changes. Those changes have allowed me to discover who I truly want to be, what I want to do, and how I want to achieve the things I want to achieve. It also helps that mom has gotten to the point where I can feel relatively at peace with thoughts of my future.

These past couple months have presented opportunities to me that I never imagined I would be able to have, and I’m scared. Of course I am thrilled, but I am still more scared. I’m in awe. I’m still in a bit of denial. But for the first time in God knows how long, I am hopeful.

My oh my.

If you’ve known me for awhile, you know that it is not uncommon at all for me to take multiple unannounced hiatuses from social media, projects, communication, etc. I get overwhelmed very easily,  and I have my stressful and unpredictable home life and situation to thank for that. (Guess I can also attribute it to the fact that I’ve always loved to talk a big game when it comes to my dreams and goals, ultimately suffocating myself with the overabundance of expectations I’m supposed to live up to afterwards.) I’m ashamed but not afraid to admit that for the better part of my life, I have been a quitter. Hell, in some regards I still am. I am very fragile, and usually if the going gets tough and I have an opportunity to back down and back away, I do. So, it should now come as no surprise that after starting this blog over a year ago to huge fanfare from myself to those around me, I suddenly disappeared after my first post, leaving everything in the dark environment of limbo.

I hate that I did. I had (and still have) very big dreams for this site, and for the message and advocacy that can arise from it. My biggest passion in life is genuinely helping those who do not get helped enough. I know now though to keep my big dreams, goals, and hard work to myself, eventually so my end product can be a surprise “WOW”!

My mother and I have gone through so many changes this past year. I will not go into details right now but many personal, physical, mental, and emotional things have gone through a metamorphosis, and I’m glad to say that for the first time in a very long time things are finally at a…”normalcy”. A normalcy that gives me hope to start documenting and blogging in a way that is going to be genuine and up-to-date.

Just don’t…hold me to it, okay?

As I make the six-minute trek to work, I worry about whether or not I locked all of the doors in the house. I try to remember if I fixed mom a snack before I left and if I filled up her cup of water. I wonder if all of the electrical plugs are securely in the outlets and if all electrical cords are untangled. I hope a fire does not start. If one does, how will mom alert me? How will she get to safety? I arrive at my aunt and uncle’s house. While I’m with Matthew I envision mom getting to the bathroom safely and in time. I wait until about a half hour after I assume my dad has gotten home from work and text him: “Is everything okay?”

Continue reading “Is Everything Okay?”